In loving memory of my Mama

08/27/1932 - 12/01/2010

The things I said, the memories I have, the things I wish I had said, the things I think about telling you each day.

I love you , Mama!!!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

and so it goes...

Dear Mama:

In case you don't know - I am PISSED OFF!!  You left a BIG mess for me to clean up.  Pops refuses & he should because you were not honest with him.  You kept secrets just like you have done your whole life.  So, big mess.  I'm cleaning it up & it is not my place to do so.  But, as usual, I am the one everyone calls.  I am the one everyone expects to take care of things.  Guess what?!?!?!?!  I am done.  You know what that means.  I AM DONE!!!

But, just so you know, I do love you & I miss you.  I just wish you had handled things better.  I wish you had let me take care of you or that you had at least listened to me on a couple of things.  Oh, well, Ce la vie!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Letting you know

Dear Mama,

Just wanted to let you know that Pops had to have two stints put in a couple of his arteries.  Doctor found something he didn't like on his last checkup so off the the heart hospital we went.  They found 2 arteries that were 99% blocked.  Did the stints right then and there.  No problems.  You should have seen how good he looked after that was done.  His color improved immediately, his breathing was better, & he said he felt better.  Duh!!  I told him that's what happens when blood is flowing correctly.  He did have to stay overnight in the hospital but he was his old self when I picked him up the next day.  I have been calling him every few days & he just sounds better & better.  He is such a blessing in my life. 

I think Little Dog has lost some weight.  He doesn't look so "round".  Do ya think that could be because you are no longer feeding him cookies when you have one??  LOL  He still looks through the house for you but is letting Pops take him out & is still the best little watch dog for someone of his size & weight. 

Pops tells me all the time how much he misses his sweetheart.  He doesn't get out much, just to the store & once in awhile out to eat.  But it has been really cold & there was a little ice one day so I am glad he stays home where it is warm.  February 2nd I am taking him for the laser on his eye.  I hope it helps the vision some.

I was in WalMart in Madill with Sparky Friday night & there on the soup aisle, right at eye level, was the biggest can of bean with bacon soup I had ever seen. There were so many cans of that soup.  Remember what trouble we always had finding it for you?  I just immediately teared up & thought of you.  I really wanted to buy you that soup & fix it for you. 

Damn it Mama, I miss you so much.  My birthday is fast approaching & for the first time in my life I won't be able to share it with you.  I won't get a phone call, I won't hear how it was 80 degrees in January in OK the day I was born.  I won't get to hear you say "I cannot believe you are 59".  Then we would talk about age & all that comes with experience & wisdom.  Crap!!

Auntie E is slipping further & further into her dementia.  She will be moving in Feb to a full-blown Alzeheimer's home for the remainder of her life.  I won't have to tell her you died because she thinks she is the only surviving child from your family.  Sad because she is not, but I was not looking forward to breaking the news to her.  I guess everything works out as it is ordained. 

It's a cold Winter's day here in OK.  I am sure the sun is shining brightly in your world though.  You are probably working in a garden or hanging out with Dave.  That's how I picture you, in a beautiful flower-filled garden with Grandma making lovely things spring from the ground.  I see Dave riding up on his Harley to spend time with you.  Someday, I will join you.  I know it will be but a moment for you, but it will be forever for me.

I love you Mama !!!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

and so it goes

Dear Mama,

Well, things are hectic here.  Pops is having the laser done on his eye Monday.  On Thursday we have to go to the heart hospital so he can have an angioplasty.  Doctor found something of concern at his checkup last week.  You know I will take care of him. 

Little Dog is doing good.  He misses you, but is reconciled to the fact that Pops now takes care of him.  But he does look for you everytime he comes in the house.  If anything happens, I will bring him to live with me & my furbabies. 

I miss you every day.  So often I think about picking up the phone & calling you.  It is usually some news to tell you, a joke I think you would like, or something that one one my grandkids did/said.  Just everyday things that I think of sharing with you.

This was the big one this past week -- I got a raise.  A VERY nice raise.  I knew you would be happy about that so I wanted to call you immediately.  But I could not. 

Well, you know I am ok & that I will carry on.  I will take care of Pops for as long as I need to or that he needs me.  I tell him all the time how happy you were with him.  He misses you so much.

I love you!!

Sunday, January 2, 2011


I have been thinking awhile about writing about my Mama.  Her life, my memories, & how I will carry on without her being in my life, in this Life, any longer.  She has crossed over to the next part of her Journey.  Yet her death is an intregal part of my continuing Journey.  A very dear friend, a heart sister, suggested that I write letters to Mama.  Each time I would start to do so it did not feel quite right.  I want a permanent record of these letters.  Something that can be a book to pass on to my son, to my grandchildren who will never know her.  They will never remember her, and the memories my son has of her are not always happy ones.  I hope that by honestly, authentically telling her story we will heal and create better more loving memories. 

So, for today, suffice to say I miss my Mama.  And despite everything I love her and at the end she gave me what I needed to know beyond a doubt - my Mama loved me.

~~blessed be...